Keeping with my annual tradition, I've combed through the previous
year's Dilbert strips and
collected my favorite one-liners.
Please reply with any of your own favorites!
Tad Ashlock
PS: Thanks to all of you who have written Scott Adams to encourage him
to allow me to release the Dilbert Transcripts. Nothing positive yet,
but I'm still hopeful! --Tad
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2007-01-05 Amortize the depreciation over the bandwidth of
the discount rate.
2007-01-10 I'm a sales support engineer now. Can you teach
me to be a good liar?
2007-01-14 There's a fine line between evil and underpaid.
2007-01-16 I work in a cubicle. I can get used to this too.
2007-01-20 Why don't we just pretend we're good at something
and call it our strategy.
2007-01-29 Your problem is that you have too many losers on
the payroll.
2007-01-30 The most qualified applicant who is willing to
work for you has three ears, a snout, and a life expectancy
of Thursday.
2007-02-02 You always suggest random changes to create the
illusion of adding value.
2007-02-04 I'd like to kick off the project by assigning
blame for its eventual failure.
2007-02-08 My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and
become immortal.
2007-02-15 It's a steaming pile of failure. It's like
fifteen drunken monkeys with a jigsaw puzzle.
2007-02-16 Who needs a little management help on their
project?
2007-02-18 The new company health plan is Google.
2007-02-24 I am going to punch that dead horse until it
gallops away.
2007-02-27 I told them it wasn't dangerous, but apparently
I'm not credible in this HAZMAT suit.
2007-03-07 Wait until everyone is yelling at you and then
help whoever makes the scariest threat on any given day.
2007-03-08 Hey, I think I'm starting to like disappointing
people!
2007-03-13 The sooner you learn to think of other people as
noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy.
2007-03-16 When we're done hosing our own company, can we
start hosing the competition?
2007-03-24 Everything you do is different from the way I
would do it. That's how I know you're doing everything
wrong.
2007-03-25 And now for another round of e-mail judo.
2007-03-28 Ask me any question and I will show you my
managerial talent.
2007-03-31 I see you're not a big fan of decisiveness.
2007-04-29 ... less attractive than corrective underpants.
2007-05-07 90% of happiness is picking the right ethicist.
2007-05-08 Your messages have too many topics and no
paragraph breaks. They are a violation of all that is good
and right about e-mail.
2007-05-15 I need a new battle cry.
2007-05-22 I'm failing as fast as I can.
2007-05-23 We golfed as hard as we could until we came up
with a new vision for the company!!!
2007-05-26 Why must you be so difficult to abuse?
2007-06-03 The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with
bees in their underpants.
2007-06-05 How did they brainwash you so fast?
2007-06-06 They've pretty much given up on winning one of
those awards for best places to work.
2007-06-10 There's no point in having a strategy if you
aren't going to pretend to follow it.
2007-06-11 This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to
consolidate everything into a program of work to maximize
synergy capture and optimize our resource utilization.
2007-06-12 Opinions are treason.
2007-06-20 You can't save the Earth unless you're willing to
make other people sacrifice.
2007-06-21 Your coworkers have identified you as a source of
methane.
2007-06-24 May I vigorously hit myself with a hammer
instead?
2007-06-25 I figure lightning can't strike the same place
more than ten or twelve times in a row.
2007-06-27 So I joined a support group. Have you heard of
Al Qaeda?
2007-07-11 I'm only here to listen and misinterpret.
2007-07-13 There are excellent reasons for this policy, and
I hope to someday know what they are.
2007-07-15 My boss is an irrational dipwad who is easily
manipulated by bogus comparisons and the illusion of
scarcity.
2007-07-17 Hee-hee! Evil makes my buttocks tingle.
2007-07-25 Let's see what happens when I regain the element
of surprise.
2007-07-30 Try working smarter, not harder, with a sense of
urgency, and a bias for action.
2007-08-02 I said, are you wearing noise cancellation
headphones?!
2007-08-04 I narrowed down the options to an alternative
that costs too much and another that won't work.
2007-08-07 I've decided to manage by spreadsheet. I'll
track things until all of our problems fix themselves.
2007-08-15 Do you also need a meeting to decide how you will
put together a meeting to decide how to decide things?
2007-08-16 Do you ever feel like you're wallpapering fog?
2007-08-17 I hired a coffee swilling beaver to show you how
to work faster.
2007-08-23 When I was a boy, I dreamed of one day working in
a fabric-covered box.
2007-08-23 Women don't like winners either.
2007-08-24 This is the part where you pretend to add value.
2007-08-29 These sensors will alert management any time the
pleasure areas of your brain have more blood flow.
2007-09-03 If it takes more than one meeting to manage a
project, I lose interest.
2007-09-15 It's my job to spraypaint the roadkill.
2007-09-15 My motto is "if it isn't immoral, it probably
won't work."
2007-09-27 It's time for some generic management.
2007-09-28 My alleged loyalty to this company is second to
none.
2007-10-07 Healthy employees are unproductive. They're
always exercising or eating fruit when they should be
working. We prefer employees who work hard and die before
their pensions start paying out.
2007-10-10 I'll stop doing it when it stops working.
2007-10-11 I value loyalty over competence. That's the sign
of a great leader.
2007-10-15 At this company, we don't get all anal about the
difference between false rumors and actual facts.
2007-10-18 My life is a furious ball of nothing.
2007-10-27 Do you mind if I roll my eyes, sigh deeply, and
dismiss your advice as if it came from the village idiot?
2007-10-28 Stress is just another word for knowledge.
2007-11-02 I think I debunked the theory that the customer
is always right.
2007-11-06 I'll add that to my list of marginally useful
things that other people have suggested I do.
2007-11-06 Apparently, agreeing isn't enough. You also need
to say it a certain way.
2007-11-09 You're asking for a status report on the status
of the status report?
2007-11-19 How's my premium pricing option sound to you now?
2007-12-10 It is lucky I studied guided reincarnation and
advanced shape-shifting at the Indian Institute of
Technology.
2007-12-14 Everything I needed to do required me to do
something else first, until it all looped back on itself
like a mobius strip.
2007-12-15 I'm creating the illusion of work by conflating
the concepts of attendance and productivity.
2007-12-17 You have good experience as a dead horse, but can
you take a beating?
2007-12-19 My plan is to criticize you until something good
happens.
2007-12-24 Now let's open the floor to suggestions from
people who are unqualified to do their own jobs, much less
mine.
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