Lister looked at Rimmer with concern. He had to admit, that in all the
time,
that he had known him, for all of this time, alive and dead, he had never,
ever,
seen Rimmer cry before. It was so unlike him, that it just wasn't true!
Admittedly, Rimmer was a noble coward, Lister was not denying that! But
whatever predicament, the Boyz had been in, over the years, and there had
been quite a few narrow escapes, from certain death, which Lister, didn't
really care to recall to mind, all that easily, anyhow! But no matter how
much trouble, they had been in, Rimmer had always held his head high, and
he had never shed a tear, as far as Lister could remember, with the
exception,
of the Gazpacho Soup incident, with Rimmer's other self, of course, when
he
had nearly got wiped, via his hologram disc. And that had been the only
time,
that Rimmer, had ever cried, as far as Lister could remember, anyhow.
And without any hesitation, Lister put his hand on Rimmer's shoulder, and
he
asked him very gently: "Rimmer. What's the matter man? Are you ok?".
And with that, Rimmer turned around and Lister released his hand, from his
shoulder. Rimmer's eyes were still full of tears, but he didn't seem too
bothered, that Lister was seeing him in this state, and he stated to
Lister,
in a somewhat, rather shaky voice: "Can't you smell it?". Lister seemed to
be rather perplexed, somewhat, and he stated: "Smell what, Rimmer? I don't
understand". Rimmer tapped the ornate shiny wooden walls, and stated,
quite
simply: "This". And then it suddenly clicked, where Lister was concerned:
"It's camphor wood, isn't it, Rimmer? Just like your trunk?". "Yes it is",
answered Rimmer very sadly. And for once, there was no condemnation, in
his voice. And for all of his talk, Rimmer had never got Kryten to use the
hacksaw on Lister, after he had originally, destroyed the bottom of the
trunk, just so, that he could salvage, his precious guitar! And suddenly,
Lister felt very guilty. The consequences of it all, were now finally
catching
up with him, at long last! What had he done? he thought. He had only gone
and sacrificed, Rimmer's last link with his Father, and even though,
Rimmer
claimed, to hate his family, Lister felt, that deep down, that Rimmer
loved
his
family, more than he cared to admit, when it actually came down to it, at
the
end of the day.
But that said, Lister felt that Rimmer's love for his family, was utterly
wasted,
and he actually hated Rimmer's family, for making Rimmer, the bitter and
twisted
mess,
that he was! And he felt that they had constantly undermined him, and
that,
they
had put him
under a lot of unnecessary pressure, where taking all of those
astro-navigation
and engineering exams, were concerned, and as a result, they had totally
stripped
him, of his confidence, in himself, over the years. And Lister had still
come, to the
conclusion, that Rimmer's Dad had still got one screw loose, and that,
there
was
nothing natural or normal, about his family anyhow!
And Lister still hadn't got over the nightmare of having kinky sex with
Mrs
Rimmer!
And even though, it had really been the Polymorph, that Lister had had
kinky
sex, with, and Mrs Rimmer, had really been an illusion, it still felt
smegging real,
whenever Lister, recalled that incident, in mind, anyhow! But it was very
rare,
for Lister to recall, that incident, in question, in mind, anyway!
Because,
he had
done his utmost, over the years, to put the incident with the Polymorph,
to
the
back of his mind, anyway! But on the very rare occasion, that Lister, did
recall, the incident, with the Mrs Rimmer Polymorph, he always felt a
terrible
shudder, run down his spine!
In the meantime however, Lister recalled, after he had been marooned, on
Starbug, with Rimmer, that he and Kryten, had discreetly removed, what
was left of Rimmer's trunk to the cargo bay of Starbug, and as far as he
was
aware, it was still there..... And suddenly,
Lister thought of something, that might help Rimmer out, where this was
concerned, for
once and for all! But for the time being, he knew, that he had got to make
amends, with Rimmer, where this was concerned, at the very least, anyhow.
Lister put his hand on Rimmer's shoulder and he said - "Look Rimmer, I
don't
know, if it's any good... Look man, I don't know the best way to say this.
And
I know, that I am not very good with words, but for what it's worth, I'm
sorry,
about what I did to your trunk. I know, that it was a matter of survival,
at
the
time, but that's not always the best excuse is it?". Rimmer seemed
touched,
by
Lister's apology, but his expression, still remained deadpan,
nevertheless,
and
he stated quite simply: "No, it wasn't. But for what it's worth, Lister, I
accept
your apology. Besides, it's water under the bridge now, isn't it?".
Lister merely nodded to this, because he realised that this was the
nearest,
that he would get, where being forgiven, where Rimmer was concerned,
because, when you thought about it, that was pretty generous, for Rimmer,
anyhow, and Lister decided to let it go, at that, for now, anyway. And he
had got plans, where Rimmer's trunk was concerned, but for the time being,
they had got to suss out, this ship a little bit more, especially, where
salvaging things, were concerned, anyhow.
Somewhat embarrassed, and just to change the subject, for the sake of
anything
else, really, "What's this anyway?" asked Rimmer pointing at the clock, on
the staircase wall, that Lister had been looking at, just now. "Oh, you
were
looking at this, just now, weren't you?". "Yeah, it's some memorial to
this
ship, but it looks as if the lettering has worn out, and I just cannot,
for
the life
of me, make out, what it is!"stated Lister. Rimmer had now stopped crying,
and Lister had suddenly noticed, that he was looking very pale, and not
only that, he looked like he was in a state of complete and utter shock,
as he finally deciphered the faded lettering on the clock, on the
staircase
wall:
THIS REPRODUCTION CLOCK WAS PRESENTED TO:
THE STARSHIP TITAN
15th April 2140
BASED ON THE ORIGINAL 191 CLOCK ON THE OCEAN
LINER TITAN
"Rimmer, what's wrong man? You look as if you've seen a ghost". Rimmer's
voice was trembling very badly, by this time, and Lister was also looking
very worried, all of a sudden. "Lister, this beautiful sh-ship, with its
fine works
of art, is The Starship Titanic! Have you never heard of The Starship
Titanic?!".
Lister suddenly gasped, and his voice was also trembling very badly, by
this
time, as well! "The Starship Titanic! You m-mean, that reproduction space
ship of the original Titanic ship, from the twentieth century?! You
m-mean,
that
reproduction space ship: The Starship Titanic, whose entire crew and
passengers, who were entirely wiped out, because of that ship quake,
during the latter years of the twenty first century?!". Rimmer nodded and
answered, very calmly: "The very same!". "I think, that we should salvage
what we can and get the Hell out of here, as soon as we can!". "I second
that!"answered Rimmer. It was then, that Kryten and the Cat entered the
restaurant and salon of The Starship Titanic. "S-s-s-s-s-s ...irs! I have
found out, the name of this ship and it's name is... "The Starship
Titanic,
Kryten. Rimmer has just worked it out, for us". Kryten nodded and stated
quite simply. "Sirs, I suggest that we evacuate this Starship,
immediately!
There is still a very strong chance, that it is still suffering from
aftershocks,
from that exceptional space ship quake, which resulted, in the entire loss
of
lives of its entire crew and passengers, during the latter years of the
twenty
first century!". And suddenly as if a divine judgement by Jehovah himself,
The Starship Titanic started to shake, quite badly, for the best part of
ten
minutes! And the Dwarfer's, were thrown across, in different directions,
to
other sides of the restaurant and salon. Fortunately however, there wasn't
a great deal of damage done, aside from a few capsized tables, and the
beautiful works of art, which were slightly out of alignment. But Kryten
knew full well, that it would be only a matter of time, before there would
be even more severe aftershocks, which would eventually, disable, all
remaining electricity and oxygen supplies, and if there was, an even more
severe aftershock,
on The Starship Titanic, the force of the equivalent of a very big
Tsumani,
would move them all, with such a great impact, that the Dwarfer's bodies,
would be smashed against the walls, and coupled, along with flying
furniture,
such as tables and sofas, and not to mention flying cutlery, would
virtually,
break every bone, in
their bodies! And even though, Rimmer was a hard light hologram, the force
of the impact, of an exceptionally bad Tsunami, would crush his hard light
bee, and Kryten, knew full-well, that his metallic body, wouldn't offer
him,
very much protection, especially, as Kryten had garnered, from various
news
reports, via the loss of The Starship Titanic, that all of the mechanoids
bodies,
on board, The Starship Titanic, had all been, so badly crushed, that they
would
have been, way beyond repair! And the sight of the Captain and his First
Officer's
bodies, in the Records Office, had not been a
very pretty sight, at all! And there was no way, that Kryten, was going to
mention this, to his fellow Dwarfer's, if he could help it! And he had
been
extremely grateful, that the Cat, hadn't bothered, to enter the Records
Office,
especially, as he had insisted, on going back into the Smoking Room, to
preen
himself, in front of the Venetian
mirrors. "That Space ship quake, that happened, towards the latter years,
of the twenty
first century, on the reproduction space ship: The Starship Titanic, was
the worst space ship quake, in living history, sirs, that there was no
time
whatsoever, for the
crew and passengers, to make it, to all of the Life Pods, that had been
provided, and believe you me, there had been more than enough, Life Pods,
that had
been provided, for all lives on board! And the crew didn't even have the
time,
to send out, a distress signal!". But unfortunately however, Lister wasn't
listening,
and he made his way, to the door marked Library and he went and opened it,
and made his way in, and Rimmer and the Cat followed behind him. And
Kryten,
realised, that he had got no choice, but to follow them in to the Library
of
The
Starship Titanic.
Rimmer, Lister, the Cat and Kryten were completely and utter taken aback,
when
they saw, all of the crushed dead bodies, in the Library, thrown across
various areas,
of the room. And there was a lot more smashed up furniture in the Library,
than
there had been in the Smoking Room in the Second Class area of The
Starship
Titanic.
And the majority of the books had fallen off the shelves, even though
there
were still a lot of the books on the shelves, that still seemed to be
fairly
intact, anyhow. But at this point in time, not even Rimmer, seemed, to be,
so taken in, by the works of art and the beauty of The Starship Titanic,
well
certainly not, anymore, anyway! No not now, that Rimmer, knew the true
significance and meaning of The Starship Titanic, anymore, anyway! But for
the time being, at the very least, Rimmer seemed to be standing, fairly
upright, even though he looked very green, but he obviously had no
intention
of passing
out, well certainly not yet, anyway! Lister thought, that Rimmer could be
quite
brave, when he wanted to be, at times. It was just a question, of when his
braveness,
chose to come shining out, that was all! "This was what it was like in the
Records
Office, sirs. I
didn't want to cause any immediate alarm, but...". "That's alright Kryten.
I
quite understand,
you were only taking, our safety, into consderation" answered Lister.
Lister
hadn't the heart to be too hard on Kryten, especially as he had had his
doubts, about this space ship in question, when he had briefly inspected
the
waterlogged engineering room, and he had definitely felt, that there was
something definitely right, where that was concerned, anyhow. Kryten's
voice was still trembling, as he stated. "Th-There w-as some paperwork,
which stated quite clearly, what
the name of this space ship is! Oh sirs, we have got to evacuate this ship
immediately! If this space ship, encounters another severe ship quake, I
have
got, a dire feeling, that the stability of this ship, will not be able to
stand it, and
it could blow up, at any moment! There isn't going to
to be enough time, to salvage, anything sirs! We need to make our way, to
the Cargo bay, where
Starbug is, and make our evacuation, as soon as it is possible, for us to
do
so!".
And at that point in time, the Boyz from the Dwarf, weren't equipped with
the teleporter, either, which definitely meant, that they would have to
use,
their two bipedal legs, to ambulate, as fast as it was humanely possible,
to
The Starship Titanic's, Cargo bay area, as soon, as it was possible, for
them, to do so!
The Cat looked quite shocked, where their plight was concerned, all of a
sudden, and he stated quite simply: "Hey Novelty Condom Head! What about
the Venetian mirror, that I liked, in the Smoking Room! We agreed, that we
were going to dismantle it, to add to my collection! I am prepared, to
take
the risk, where this ship quake, is concerned!". At that point in time,
Lister
wasn't
prepared, to argue, with the Cat, because he had noticed the cover of a
book,
on the pile of many, in the Library. And on the cover of that book, in
question,
was the title: Lolita by Nabokov.
Fortunately however, Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat, were too distracted to
notice Lister,
pick up the copy of Lolita by Nabokov and carefully pocket it, away, in
his
jacket. And
as he had got plans for Rimmer, where his camphor wood trunk, was
concerned,
and he had got no immediate plans, to vacate, The Starship Titanic,
in too much, of a hurry, either! Lister spoke up and stated quite simply:
-
"Look, there isn't time to argue,
Cat, but I think, that we've got enough time to salvage a few things. But
you had better go and salvage,
that mirror, you want, in the Smoking Room. Rimmer give the Cat, a hand,
will
you?
Rimmer had suddenly gone very white, indeed, and he stated, quite simply:
"Are you out of your mind, you simple narrow minded gimboid?!
Do you want to sign our death warrants?!". It was quite obvious, that
Rimmer, was
now through, with been polite to Lister, and their most recent truce, had
more or less,
ended, before it had actually began! But Lister stated to Rimmer, quite
simply and
quite calmly. "Look Rimmer man, there's not a lot of time, left to argue.
I
know, what
I am doing, believe you me! Just do as I tell you, and go and help the
Cat,
remove,
that smegging mirror, and when you've done that, you can go down to the
Cargo bay
and board Starbug, right away! And if Kryten and I aren't there, if the
ship, decides, to
go and make fairground walzer movements, you have got my full permission,
to
evacuate
this craft, with my smegging blessing! Do you get it?!" Rimmer and the
Cat nodded to this. But Kryten wasn't as enthusiastic, and he stated: "But
Mr Lister sir?! Have you gone out of your mind?! What is there worth
salvaging
on this dying space ship?! It isn't worth it sir! Please think, very
carefully,
about the consequences of your actions! There have been more than enough
lives, lost on
this foolhardy vessel! It isn't worth making, any more sacrifices, sir!".
Lister had suddenly gone very pale, and he stated, to Kryten, in a very
serious
tone. A tone, that Kryten or none of his fellow Dwarfer's, had ever known,
Lister,
to use. And even Rimmer looked rather concerned, as Lister stated, quite
simply
to Kryten: "Some sacrifices,
are worth making Kryten. Especially when it's one of your mates". Rimmer
didn't seem to comprehend, where this was concerned. But fortunately
however, Kryten did, and he suddenly looked very seriously at Lister, with
understanding, especially, as he noted the pile of books, on the floor. He
felt,
that there was something very good about all of this, and that his icon,
Mr
Lister,
genuinely looked, as if he wasn't into, salvaging The Starship Titanic's
curry supplies,
for once, which was most unlike him, and he knew then and there, that he
was
prepared to do anything, to help, Mr Lister, where this was concerned! And
he stated:
"I see Mr Lister. Well let us salvage, what we can, after all some
sacrifices, are worth
making, to help ones, fellow man!". "Yes Kryten, salvaging The Starship
Titanic's curry
supplies, is man's sure way, of helping, himself!"stated Rimmer callously.
Lister was
very sad and very hurt, via Rimmer's remarks. But he thought, that it was
probably, for the best, if he said nothing, where that was concerned.
"Yeah,
he's
totally and utterly, flipped!"said the Cat.
"Perhaps you can fill me in, Mr Lister, with regard to what you wish to
salvage, after Mr Rimmer and Mr Cat have left us, to salvage that mirror"
said Kryten. "Oh we can take a
hint, we're going! You two are as thick as thieves! Only, you don't truly
understand
Listy's selfish greed, where his everyday needs, are concerned!". As
Rimmer,
and the Cat left the salon and the restaurant, Kryten stated in a very sad
manner. "Oh I understand, Mr Lister's, everyday needs, Mr Rimmer. I think,
that you are the one, who truly doesn't, understand his everyday needs!".
So in this flashback scene of The Alternative Red Dwarf, now that we have
worked out the exact significance of the derelict Starship Titanic! And
what
are Lister's plans
for making amends, where the destruction of Rimmer's camphor wood trunk,
is
concerned, via the original Red Dwarf III episode II: Marooned? And will
the
Cat and Rimmer be able to move (as he has definitely made a claim!) HIS
very
ornate long Venetian mirror in the Smoking Room?! And a little bit less
exciting than
that, will the Boyz from the Dwarf, be able to evacuate The Starship
Titanic, in
a safe and orderly manner?! Well probably not, if I know our Boyz from the
Dwarf!
And if luck probably has it, there will always be something to trip them
up,
as per usual, if I can find a way around it, that is! Well we will just
have
to
wait and see, won't we?! That's just the fun of it, isn't it?!
And back to the present: Will Lister and Kryten ever move Rimmer's camphor
wood chest and Lister's trunk to their quarters from Starbug?! And what is
the matter with Kryten? And will Lister ever get a good nights sleep and
not
come to blows with the Cat, before they set off for Earth, once again?!
Find
out all this and more, in the next exciting instalment of:
The Alternative Red Dwarf!
My new version of the Alternative Red Dwarf, actually set on the Dwarf is
now available for viewing or downloading at:
http://www.pguy.dircon.co.uk/newalt.htm
The old version of the Alternative Red Dwarf is
still available for viewing or downloading at:
http://www.pguy.dircon.co.uk/angel.htm
If you would like to go directly on to my Xanadu
Red Dwarf Website, the web reference is:
http://www.pguy.dircon.co.uk/xanadu.htm
Now available on my Xanadu Red Dwarf Website.
A review of Red Dwarf VIII filmed live at Shepperton
Studios of the 4th of December 1998!
Some new Red Dwarf links on the Red Dwarf Links Website,
which includes links to The Official Red Dwarf Website (U.S.A).
Red Dwarf: The Official Website.
Kryten's Homepage and The Craig Charles Online Website.
Future Red Dwarf Projects.
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Favourite Episode Guide has recently been
updated.
Recently added to Xanadu:
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Fact File Website.
A review of the film: Xanadu and the lyrics for the
theme song: Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John!
A review of the Red Dwarf VII Extended episodes:
Tikka To Ride/Ouroboros/Duct Soup/Possible
unedited material for Red Dwarf VII, plus a review
of Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg/The Tenth Anniversary
Smeg Ups/Universe Challenge and The Children In
Need sketch.
A review of the Red Dwarf VIII episodes: Back
In The Red I to III!
For those of you who are interested in my Unofficial
Captain Butler Website, the web reference is:
http://www.pguy.dircon.co.uk/captain.htm
Recently added to The Unofficial Captain Butler Website:
A link has been set up for the Captain Pugwash
Website/The Captain Butler Maritime and Non-
-Maritime Incidents Website informs you all about
The Mary Celeste Mystery and just exactly how
old Admiral Horation Nelson was when he lost his
arm!
The Captain Butler Good and Evil Pirates
Website tells you all you need to know about
Blackbeard and the renowned legitimate Pirate:
Sir Francis Drake!
And my Captain Butler Fan Fiction: On The
Goodship Lady Captain has been updated!
For those of you who are interested in my Unofficial
Craig Charles Website, the web reference is:
http://www.pguy.dircon.co.uk/craig.htm
Recently added to the Unofficial Craig Charles Website:
A link has been set up for Suzanne Rhatigan's (Kochanski
Camille) Website.
A Craig Charles Career Profile.
For those of you who are interested in the Doctor series,
the web reference is:
http://www.pguy.dircon.co.uk/doctor.htm
I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of the Doctor series: Why Do You Want To Be
A Doctor?
For those of you who are interested in Mind Your Language,
the web reference is:
http://www.pguy.dircon.co.uk/language.htm
I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of Mind Your Language: The First Lesson.
With regard to these reviews, they are incomplete, due to
time constraints, but they are available for viewing or downloading,
via the appropriate websites above, and they will always be
permanently available for this purpose, and when they are
complete, it will be my intention to notify the various newsgroups,
to whom they have been posted to, but sincere apologies for any
delays caused, anyway. And my thanks go to all, on alt.comedy.british
who are interested in my Barry Evans/Doctor series and Mind Your
Language Websites in the meantime. It is always nice to know, that
there is more than enough interest to make it more than worth my while,
to keep those websites going, thank you!
However, I am intending to do brief plot summaries of all the Doctor
series episodes and Mind Your Language episodes, when I next work,
on my Barry Evans/Doctor series and Mind Your Language websites,
as the reviews, that I am doing of each episode are very indepth, and
may take up a lot of web space in the meantime, and it is probably for
the best if I set up episode Summary websites, in the meantime, which
will be considerably shorter anyway, and for all fans of the Doctor series
and Mind Your Language series, then at least I have got something that
will give them something to keep them going for a very long time! I will
also put up a short independent notice for this purpose as soon as it is
possible, for me to do so, anyway, especially, as I get a lot of
enquiries,
via email, in general, via the Doctor series and Mind Your Language
series,
from all over the world!
More recently, on Lynne Guy's General Information And Classic British
Comedy website, you may be interested to know that there are also links
set up for The Men From The Ministry website and a Maid Marian And
Her Merry Men website, and the series episode list, a counter status has
been recently set up, and a plot summary episode list website, and a
photograph of Maid Marian And Her Merry Men, has also been set up.
And most recently, I have set up some Maid Marian And Her Merry Men
update information, and there are some links set up to Keifling's Maid
Marian And Her Merry Men Message board and a Maid Marian And Her
Merry Men website called: The Hideout, which has got a lot more to offer,
than my Maid Marian And Her Merry Men website, especially, where the
graphics, htm presentation, picture files and interactive features are
concerned, especially, as my Maid Marian And Her Merry Men website,
is a little bit basic, to say the very least!
But for those of you who are interested in Lynne Guy's General Information
And Classic British Comedy website, then please go to:
http://www.pguy.dircon.co.uk/lynnes.htm
On my Lynne Guy's General Information And Classic British Comedy
website, you will find links set up for:
Our Astronomy web page
The College Of Adult Education in Wolverhampton website
The I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again website
The Cats Protection League Headquarters website
Wildlife Park Kirkcudbright website
Kevin Blake's Puzlebox Hobbies and Puzzlebox Business websites
The Official Website Of The British Monarchy
Recently added to my Lynne Guy's General Information And Classic British
Comedy website, you can find a web page, which informs you all about me:
Marie Birch!
Recently added to my Lynne Guy's General Information And Classic British
Comedy website.
A message of sympathy for the families of the victims and the firefighters
who lost their lives, via the attacks on The World Trade Centre and The
Pentagon in the United States of America.
A First Anniversary message for the families of the victims and the
firefighters, who lost their lives, via the attacks on The World Trade
Centre and The Pentagon in the United States of America.
That's All For Now, Folks!
Marie Birch.
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