"Keep it down, Kryten man, will you!". Lister urged him, strongly. "I'm
doing
my best, Mr Lister sir!". Kryten stated in a hushed voice. Kryten
was doing his level best, where doing the necessary, where cutting down,
the
noise,with the electronic hacksaw, was concerned. By this time, Lister was
absolutely, and utterly, exhausted. The sweat was absolutely pouring, off
him. But that said, he was determined, to finish off,the job, in question,
before they packed up, and went to bed, for once andfor all. In the end,
Kryten, had been forced, to restrain, Rimmer, from attacking Lister, with
the
electronic hacksaw. And Rimmer, was so disgusted, with the situation, and
he
had given Lister a look of contempt, which said it all, really! And
without
another word, he decided, to retire, very early to bed, for the evening,
which
actually suited Lister and Kryten, fine, where the job, in question, was
concerned, anyhow. And as for the Cat, well.....! "Not very long now, Mr
Lister" Kryten stated. Lister nodded and prayed to God, that Rimmer,
wouldn't
wake up, from his downtime. But Kryten, had assured him, that he would
only
wake up, when his motivator, activated, which would be about three hours,
from now... Lister sighed, and looked at his watch. They had been working
solidly, on the job, for the best part, of five hours. And it definitely
looked like, Lister,was only going, to get about, three hours of sleep, if
he
was lucky, that is! Surprisingly however, after they had finished the job,
in
question, via the electronic hacksaw, it only took, Kryten and Lister, the
best part, of half an hour, to hammer in, all of the nails, into the sawed
down, large object, in question... "Come on man, lets go to bed. Thanks
for
your help, Kryten. It was well appreciated". "Yes Mr Lister, sir" Kryten
answered him, without any further argument. And without any further ado,
Lister and Kryten headed off, to bed...
Despite the fact, that Lister was very bleary eyed, when Rimmer,
reluctantly
appeared, in the Sleeping quarters, the following morning, and he
announced,
in a very brisk manner:"Wakey, wakey!". And Lister, appeared to rise, from
his bunk, in a very enthusiastic manner, which
was quite surprising, really, when all was said and done, when it actually
came down to it, at the end of the day.
Naturally, nobody was speaking to
Lister, that morning, with the exception of Kryten, of course. During
their
session, in the cockpit, Rimmer gave Lister, the silent treatment, but for
once, Lister chose not to rise to him. And Rimmer,was quite surprised, by
Lister's attitude, and he raised an eyebrow, because he was so used, to
hearing him whine, like a litte cherub, whenever their paths, had clashed,
in
the past, and Lister had been quite anxious, to get back, into his good
books,
with as little trouble, as it was possible, for him, to do so. And, it
would
only, be a matter of time, before Rimmer, made his way, into the
mid-section,
of Starbug, where a "Surprise Package", awaited him. A real treat in
store,
so to speak...! Lister, was really quite desperate, for their ****ft to
end,
and
he gave a lot of discreet glances, at his watch, because he was quite
anxious,
for Rimmer, to come across, his "Surprise Package", which now awaited him,
in the mid-section, of Starbug, which Kryten had dutifully sorted out,
while
Rimmer and Lister, made their way, into the cockpit, earlier on. And
Lister,
was quite certain, that Kryten, would have had, the Cat's, co-operation,
where
moving the large object, in question, into the mid-section, of Starbug,
was
concerned, because Kryten, would have insisted, to the Cat, that it was
of,
the utmost im****tance, that, they move,the large object, in question,
because, it would be, to everybody's, benefit, including his! And the Cat,
would have thought, quite incorrectly, that the large object, in question,
would contain, food and fuel supplies! And more im****tantly, than that,
especially, where he was concerned, some very brightly coloured material,
which he could quite easily, adapt, into a whole brand new wardrobe, of
sharp suits,which he had often done, in the past, whenever, they
had come across, any old clothes,whenever, the Dwarfer's had salvaged
derelicts, over the years, anyhow. And, when Rimmer and Lister's ****ft,
eventually came to an end, Rimmer gave Lister, a very brief nod, of
acknowledgement, for him to get up, to makeway, for Kryten and the Cat's,
changeover ****ft, in the cockpit. And Lister, gave out, a very discreet,
sigh
of relief, as they made their way, over into Starbug's mid-section.
Lister, was even more relieved, when he noticed, the large object,
inquestion, in Starbug's mid-section, which was gift wrapped, in very
****ny
pink wrapping paper,and a massive pink bow, which we will now admit, was
definitely, one of thesmall items, in question, which Lister and Kryten,
had
come across, in theReception area,of the Star****p Titanic, as he and
Kryten,
were making, their departure. And he had felt,that it would definitely, be
ideal, where his new plan, of making his amends, to Rimmer,where his past
misdemeanours, were concerned...! Kryten signalled, Rimmer and Lister,
over.
The Cat was still hanging about,because,Kryten had asked him, to stay
behind, which Lister, had ordered him, to do, the previous evening, after
they had finished, working on, the large object, in question. And Lister,
had
craftily left Starbug, on autopilot, anyway, whichwas, perfectly safe, for
them, to do so, for the time being, as there was definitely, no immediate
danger, of them, cra****ng into any asteroids, in the vicinity, as far as
Lister, could see, anyhow! However, for the time being, it was quite
obvious, to see, that Rimmer, had broken, his vow of silence, where his
attitude, towards Lister, was concerned,anyway. And Lister, prayed to God,
that things, would work out, where his peace offering, was concerned.
"What
the smeg is this monstrosity?!" Rimmer asked, pointing to the very ****ny
pink wrapped, massive pink bowed, large object, in question... Lister
answered him - "This monstrosity, is for you, man. A little something,
that
we
put together, for you". Rimmer raised an eyebrow,once again, and he
suddenly,
spied the piece of paper, attached to the very ****ny pink wrapping paper,
with
sellotape. And written, on that piece of paper, in very large capitals,
was
addressed, quite simply: "RIMMER". As far, as Lister and Kryten, could
make
out, there had been no labels, in the Reception area, of the Star****p
Titanic, and they had had to make do, with just a piece of paper, where
that
was concerned, anyhow. But they hadn't been intending to win, any design
awards, where that was concerned, anyway! And they had just had to settle,
for a little bit less, where labelling up, Rimmer's, "Surprise Package",
was concerned. And, the very ****ny pink wrapping paper, and the massive
pink bow,were in a fairly crumpled state, by then, to say the very least,
as
they had quite obviously,been used, to wrap up, somebody else's, massive
"Surprise Package", in the past, because, from what, Lister and Kryten,
had
gathered, there had been, the remains,of a launch party, in the Reception
area,
of the Star****p Titanic, which had consisted of, a very large quantity, of
party
streamers, empty champagne bottles and glasses, and not to mention, party
hats! But that said, even though, nobody had come across, the very ****ny
pink
wrapping paper, and the massive pink bow, for the best part of three
million years, they were all, in relatively, good condition, and they were
easily, recyclable, for Lister and Kryten's, purposes, anyhow! And
everybody,
recycles wrapping paper, if they can get away with it, anyway! (Well I
certainly do, anyway! Marie Birch) "If you think, that you are going to
get
back, into my good books, after what happened,yesterday, you have got
another think, coming, Lister!". Lister sighed. He was very desperate, for
Rimmer, to
open his "Surprise Package", without any further delay. "That's got
nothing,
to do with it, Rimmer, man. This is an apology, for something else.Open
it,
Rimmer, please! Whether you choose, to forgive me, for what I did to you,
in the past, and for what happened, yesterday, is up to you, man. But all,
that I ask, of you, is that, you open, your "Surprise Package", and give
it
a
chance.
After all, what have you got to lose?" Lister pleaded,with him. Lister,
looked so cute and cherubic, that Rimmer couldn't resist it, and in the
end,
he gave in, and he said: "Alright", and with that, he proceeded, to rip
off,
the massive pink bow, and the very ****ny pink wrapping paper. Lister knew,
full-well, that Rimmer, was doing, his level best, to be restrained, and
he
was containing, all of his excitement, as best, as it was, possible, for
him, to do so, in the circumstances. But Lister, could tell, by the gleam,
in
his eyes, that he was, as excited, as a child, at Christmas time, by his
"Surprise Package!".
Unfortunately however, the moment of Rimmer's, childlike wonder, was
soonb roken, as soon, as the very ****ny pink wrapping paper, had been cast
aside, and the expression, on his face, had soon changed, to one, of
complete
and utter disgust. And to Lister's, complete and utter dismay, he noticed,
that Rimmer, had gone very pale, indeed. "Are you lot, taking the smeg?!",
he
spluttered. Lister suddenly, felt very guilty, indeed, especially, as
Rimmer's
expression, had also taken on, a very haunted look... And, it wasn't all
that
surprising, really, because Rimmer, was completely, taken aback, by his
"Surprise Package", which was none other, than his Javanese camphor-wood
chest...! Rimmer's, Javanese camphor wood-chest, had been in storage, in
Starbug's, cargo area, since the incident, when they had been marooned, on
the ice planet, which was something, that Lister, had felt guilty about,
ever
since. And in the
Salon, on the Star****p Titanic, Lister, had found a way, of making it up
to
him, for what he had done, to his Javanese camphor-wood chest, on the ice
planet... Lister forced himself, to remain calm, and he stated, quite
simply:
"No Rimmer,we're not. Why don't you open it, man? Come on now, what
have you got to lose?". "My dignity?!" Rimmer answered him. Lister sighed.
He
couldn't force Rimmer, to open, his Javanese camphor-wood chest, when it
actually, came down to it, at the end of the day. But he stated, quite
simply: "It will be well worth it, man, I promise you". Rimmer raised an
eyebrow, once again, and he said - "You promise?". Lister nodded, and
aid -
"I promise you, that everything's, going to be alright". "Alright" Rimmer
answered him, somewhat, reluctantly.But one thing, that he had come to
associate, with Lister, over the years, was that he could not deny, that
Lister, could be very sincere, when he wanted to be, that is...! And with
that, Rimmer proceeded, to open the trunk, and he gasped, when he
noticed, that there was definitely, no longer, a guitar shaped hole, where
the bottom,
of the trunk, had once been, which Lister, had surreptitiously done, to
keep
himself, warm, on the ice planet, instead, of sacrificing, his guitar, for
that
very purpose! But, there was definitely, a bottom, to Rimmer's, Javanese
camphor-wood chest, now,and Rimmer, could tell, by the very smell, that
the
new bottom, to Rimmer's Javanese camphor-wood chest, that Kryten and
Lister,
had sorted out, the previous evening, was definitely, made out, of
Javanese
camphor-wood, even though,it hadn't been varnished, like the rest of the
trunk, was. But, there had been no time, for insignificant details, like
that,
especially, as, it had been a real struggle, for Lister and Kryten, to
get,
the new bottom, securely, postitioned, on to Rimmer's, Javanese
camphor-wood
chest, the previous evening, as it was, anyhow. But more im****tantly, than
that, the trunk, was no longer empty, because Rimmer,was in absolute
rapture,
as he gazed, upon, his books, which were by:Charles Lamb, Herman Wok {it
is
actually spelt, as Wouk}, The Complete Works of Sir Francis Bacon, Eric
Van
Lustbader, The Caretaker by Harold Pinta, The CompleteWorks of William
Shakespeare, and Lolita by Nabokov, and Rimmer picked up, Biggles Learns
To
Fly, and he cradled, it against his chest! His eyes, were full of
nostalgia,
for his
boyhood past, which was quite understandable, when it actually came down
to
it,
at the end of the day! And Lister, was pleased, that Rimmer, was so
appreciative,
of his gesture."I'm, afraid, that we couldn't do anything, about the toy
soldiers, man. Butmaybe, if we come across, a derelict, one day, and we
happen, to come across, some of Napolean's Armee' Du Nord toy soldiers,
then
that, would solve the problem. And, as for the money, it's not as if, you
really need it, out here, especially, as we are three million years, in
to deep space, and been a hologram, you can't really spend it, anyway,
can you...?". Lister's voice, suddenly tailed off, as he noticed, that
Rimmer's eyes, had suddenly filled up with tears."I-I think, that I need,
to
go and take a walk, in the cargo bay", was all, that he was able, to
stammer,
with some embarrasment. But Lister felt, that was more than enough, where
Rimmer's, gratitude, was concerned, anyhow. And with that, Rimmer walked
off, in the direction, of the cargo bay.
Now here, is what Lister and Kryten did,
once Rimmer walked out of the Salon,of the Star****p Titanic, in a huff,
along
with the Cat, after being ordered,by Lister, to remove, one of the
Venetian
mirrors, in the Smoking Room, which the Cat, had had, his eye on, earlier
on.
But it wasn't quite as simple, as all that.That had merely been a
diversion,
so that Lister and Kryten, could concentrate on the job, in hand.As
Lister,
had managed, to quite easily locate, Lolita by Nabakov, amongst, the pile
of scattered books, in the Library, and he had put it, in his jacket
pocket, without Rimmer, been aware of it, then it had merely been, a
matter
of Kryten, locating, the rest, of Rimmer's missing books, via his
chest monitor, which was a very good source, for locating, information and
objects, once Kryten's CPU unit, had fully, absorbed, all of the necessary
information. And Rimmer's new books, had been, the small objects, in
question,
which Lister, had pocketed, in his jacket,along, with the very ****ny pink
wrapping paper, and the massive pink bow, that he and Kryten, had come
across,
in the Reception area, of the Star****p Titanic! And the large objects, in
question, were quite obviously, the two pieces, of Javanese camphor-wood
panelling, which Lister and Kryten, had removed, off the wall, of
the Salon,with the electronic hacksaw, which Kryten, had been fortunate
enough, to locate, in the Engineering room, earlier on. Unfortunately
however, it had taken,Lister and Kryten, the best part, of twenty five
minutes, to remove, the two pieces,of Javanese camphor-wood, with the
electronic hacksaw, off the wall, of theSalon. And they had removed, an
extra
piece, of the Javanese camphor-wood panelling,just in case, there had been
any problems, where the installation, of the new bottom,of Rimmer's ,
Javanese camphor-wood chest, was concerned. Fortunately however,there had
been no problems, whatsoever, where fitting, the new bottom, of
Rimmer's Javanese camphor-wood chest, was concerned, the previous evening,
which came, as a welcome relief, to Lister and Kryten, obviously! But it
had
still been, rather time consuming, nevertheless, and as for trans****ting,
the
two pieces, of Javanese camphor-wood panelling, on to Starbug, that had
really
delayed, the Boyz from the Dwarf, from departing, the Star****p Titanic, to
say
the very least, anyhow! And, as for the brandy, that Lister, had come
across,
he had barely, had any time,to consume it, until now, that is...! But more
im****tantly. than that, Lister had been more than desperate, to make
amends
to
Rimmer, especially, after he had seen the tearful state, that he had been
in,
when they had been, in the Salon, of the Star****p Titanic, and he had
vowed,
that he would do, whatever it took, or cost, where making, those
amends,where
Rimmer's, Javanese camphor-wood chest, was concerned, which had
very,nearly,
cost, Lister and Kryten, their lives! But, it had been well worth it, to
see, the look, of rapture and gratitude, on Rimmer's face, when it
actually,
came down to it, at the end of the day!
Later, that evening, when Lister and
the Cat, were playing scrabble, in the Sleeping quarters, and Kryten was
in
his element, clearing up, the very ****ny pink wrapping paper, and the
massive
pink bow, away, Rimmer came into the Sleeping quarters, and it was quite
obvious, by the serious expression, on his face, that he wanted, to have a
very serious discussion, with Lister... Lister gave the Cat, a look, which
said - "Make yourself scarce Cat!", because, the last thing, that he
wanted,
was to embarrass, Rimmer, in front of the Cat.The Cat knew, full-well,
what
that look said, and he stated: "I think, that I've got some serious
preening,
to do, man!". And with that, the Cat, left the Sleeping quarters. Once he
had
gone, Rimmer didn't waste any time, and he stated - "Why Lister?Was there
any logical reason, for you two, to risk your lives, for the sake,of
a Javanese camphor-wood chest?! And for my worthless sake?! I didn't
think, that I was worth, all that trouble! And besides, you did make an
apology, for what you did, which was far more, than I would have, expected
off you, after all". Lister sighed, and he got up. "It depends on how you
define,
what being worthwhile is, man.After all, Legion, felt, that it was well
worth
his while, by giving you a body...". "Only because, it suited his devious
ends, so that he could feed off, his emotions..." Lister cut him off, and
stated:
"The Inquisitor, felt, that your life, had been far more worthwhile, than
mine,
and Kryten's had ever been, because, you had got, the common decency, to
admit, that you were a total failure, at the very least, while I had got
no
excuse,
really! And, Nirvanah Crane, felt that loving you, was worthwhile enough,
to
sacrifice, her own life...".Rimmer flinched, at that. It was quite
obvious,
that it
still caused, him a lot of pain, whenever her name, was mentioned. "And I
wouldn't have felt it, worth my while, to repair your trunk, because you
care far
more, for your family, than you care to admit! And I don't think, that
they
were
ever worth, even as much as that, Rimmer. But if you think, that they were
worth
your while, then so do I! And besides, I think, in all honesty, now, that,
you have
got a hard-light body, you may be able, to do some good, one day. And you
may
not believe it, Rimmer, but I do hold out, some hope for you. I don't know
why, I
feel that, but somehow, well, I don't know why, but...". Rimmer's eyes,
filled
up, with tears, once again.He didn't feel, that he was worth, even that
much, of
Lister's time, but that said, he wasn't prepared, to admit that fact, for
the
moment. "And besides, there is another you, in another dimension, who has
really done some good, who goes, by the name of Ace Rimmer, and that is
why,
I feel, that there may be some hope for you, yet!". Rimmer flinched, yet
again,
because, it gave him even more pain, to hear his name, than Nirvanah
Crane's,
when it actually, came down to it, at the end of the day! In fact, it was
an insult, to his integrity, to hear his name, being compared, in great
glory, to his, by Lister. But that said, he wasn't prepared, to blow his
own
trumpet, or Lister's thunder, just like that, anyhow! And besides, it was
very rare,
indeed, that Lister, was prepared, to make a magnanimous, generous
gesture,
just
like that. And it was probably, for the best, if he made the most of it,
for
the time
being, anyhow! After all, it wasn't every day, that Lister, offered him,
the
hand of
friend****p, and for all he knew, they would probably be, at
one another's,throats, tomorrow, and they would also, probably be,
bickering
and sniping, at one another, as per usual, which they usually, wallowed
in,
because, it was their own way,of keeping, one another sane, even though,
they
weren't prepared, to admit it, when it actually, came down to it, at the
end
of the day! "Why thank you, Lister, that is very generous of you, I must
say" Rimmer stated, somewhat reluctantly, and he held out, his hand, for
Lister, to shake. Lister also took Rimmer's hand, in his, somewhat
reluctantly.
But quite surprisingly, however, their handshake, was fairly genuine, and
in
the
right spirit, even if, they weren't prepared, to admit it, anyhow!
"Perhaps,
I can make it up to you, one day, Dave...". And little did Rimmer know,
that
would be a lot sooner, than he thought...! After all, he had bought his
fellow Dwarfer's, a bit more time, while they had made their escape, from
The
Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse: Brother Death, Brother War, Brother
Famine
and Brother Pestilence, especially, as, he had very nearly risked, having
his light bee, stabbed, into the bargain! And, there would also be the
time,
when
he would come back, as Ace Rimmer, thanks to the Emohawk, which had fed
off,
his emotions.And finally, the Emohawk, had turned itself, into a grenade,
which he would also destroy, by throwing himself, on to it, which would be
a
great risk, to his own life, because there was a very strong possibility,
that it might blow up, his new hard-light drive! Fortunately however, it
didn't blow up, his new hard-light drive. And Rimmer, would really make it
up, to his fellow Dwarfer's, when the time, eventually came, for him, to
blow up,
the time drive, which would wipe out, the Dwarfer's, future selves, and
save
them all! And more recently, Rimmer, had looked after Lister, by
pretending,
to be: Kochanski, because, Lister had gone, into a coma, after the
Dwarfer's,
had come back, into existence, because his system, could not cope, with
all,
of the anomalies, in time. And, as a consequence of that, Lister hadn't
come
out of his coma, for the best part,of four years! But to save their own
sanity, for the best part, of four years, his fellow Dwarfer's, had keyed
themselves, into a medi-game, until Lister, came out, of his coma, which
would feed, endorphins, into his, and their minds. And therefore, they had
created, an entirely new existence, around them! And, to keep Lister sane,
Rimmer, had commandeered, Kochanski's hologram disc, and had left them,
tem****arily, to become, another AceRimmer... Unfortunately however, it
wasn't quite as simple, as all that, and Kryten, not realising, he had
still
got traces, of the Armageddon virus, in his system, had become, very nasty
to
Lister, where his attitude, towards Kochanski, was concerned, and it had
corrupted, the medi-game, to a certain extent, anyhow! And even though,
Kryten's system, had eradicated, the Armageddon virus,for once and for
all,
it
was too late, and Kochanski's hologram disc, had also corrupted. And
Rimmer
came back, to Lister, in flashback scenes, and via a nightmare dream
scenario,
as a successful Ace Rimmer! And, they had ended up, sharing a passionate
kiss,
which resulted in Kryten, creating theRimmer Experience, to supposedly,
help
him, snap out of it! And, it seemed, no matter, how hard they tried, they
couldn't, shake Rimmer off, as easily, as all that! And, despite a few
positive adventures, in their new existence, the medi-game, eventually
corrupted, creating a nightmare scenario, via theEpideme virus, which also
gave the illusion, of Lister losing his arm, and very nearly, killing him,
into the
bargain! Which Kryten had recently estimated, was Lister's, systems, way,
of
rejecting the medi-game, because the coma, that he was in, must have been
so
deep, by then. Fortunately however, the sup****t, of his fellow Dwarfer's
had
helped
him snap out of it, for the moment... And a new dreamlike scenario, of
Kryten's
nanobots, creating a new arm, for Lister, and resurrecting Holly (in his
original male
form) and even, the Dwarf itself (which was a more sophisticated,
dreamlike
version,
of it, which was how, Lister had obviously wanted it to appear, in his
subconscious,
naturally!). And, even though, that had helped Lister, back onto the road
torecovery,
a little bit more. Unfortunately however, by that time, the medi-game, had
become, so
badly corrupted, yet another, nightmare scenario, had appeared, in the
medi-games, core
programme. The Dwarfer's had been miniaturised, by the nanobots, which
had caused,
the destruction of the Starbug craft, they had been using. And even
though,
they had
reverted back, to their own true size, and the Red Dwarf crew, and the
rest,
of the human
race, had been resurrected, by the nanobots, it appeared,that the original
Red
Dwarf crew, including Captain Frank Hollister, had also, become,
corrupted,
by the medi-game, and they had ruled the ****p, compared on a scale, very
similar to theNazi's and the SAS! And,
there were two Hollies! A senile Holly, and a far more, smarter Holly!
And,
the corruption, of Kochanski's hologram disc, had become so bad, by then,
that Kochanski's, original personality, had resurrected, splitting her
into
two halves, and the hologramatic Rimmer's, personality, had split away,
from
her personality. And, the pre-hologram Rimmer, had also resurrected,
himself!
And eventually, as a consequence, because of all this, the Dwarfer's, had
supposedly, all ended up, in the brig, which was ruled by an iron rod, by
the evil
Mr Ackerman! And, despite, a couple of positive adventures, as a suicide
squad: The Canaries, and the new Rimmer, being fairly brave, by the
Cassandra
computer incident, and the Dinosaur (Pete), incident, the Dwarfer's, ended
up,
escaping into a parallel universe, which was a positive sign, that Lister,
was
coming out, of his coma. And in the parallel universe, Rimmer had become,
the
Captain of Red Dwarf, and Hollister, was a mere Third Technician, and the
Cat,
was a Professor of Science, and Kochanski, was a very dim Receptionist!
And
even though, the rest of the Dwarfer's, had crossed over, into the
parallel
universe, Rimmer had travelled back to his own universe, and he was now
trapped, on a disintegrating Dwarf, with the formula, to save theDwarf!
Unfortunately however, according to a very angry Dispensing Machine voice,
which had been betrayed by Rimmer, earlier on, the formula, had turned
into
the virus, because, as he had left the mirror universe, it hadturned back,
into it's opposite! And it had almost been the end, for Rimmer, because,
as
he lay dying, Death, with his scythe, had come, after him!Surprisingly
however, Rimmer had had, just about, enough strength, left in him, to knee
Death, in the groin! And Death had been so disgusted, that he had come
after
him! In the end, however, for some reason, that Rimmer couldn't quite
fathom,
Rimmer had decided, to lock himself away, in the Hologram suite, and see,
if
Holly, could come up, with a solution, for him. Fortunately however,
Holly,
was
able to come up, with a solution, even with a very aggravated Death,
trying
to
axe his way, into the Hologram suite! And even though, Holly had
explained,
that the formula, was finally beginning, to do it's job, where saving the
doomed
Dwarf, was concerned, they had still got Death, to contend with! And in
the
end,
Holly had urged Rimmer, to put his hands, on the Hologram Simulation
Suite's
scanner table, which would eventually transfer him back, to the parallel
universe!
But unfortunately however, things didn't work out, that way, and as it
turned
out,
even though Rimmer, had narrowly, escaped Death, by the skin of his teeth,
it wasn't quite as simple, as all that, and instead, of the parallel
universe, Rimmer
had found himself, transferred back, on Starbug.And, he had found himself,
in the
medi-bay, kissing Lister, yet again! I shall say no more about that! And
Lister,
was finally, in the process, of coming out, of his coma, and he was still
under the
illusion, that Rimmer was Kochanski! And this was because the parallel
universe,
dim receptionist version, of Kochanski, was just about to offer, Lister,
her
services, in the Stationary cupboard, of all places! And now, that Lister,
had
finally come back to his senses, he now realised, that the past four
years,
had been a complete and utter lie! And Starbug's appearance, had reverted
back,
to it's original shabby appearance, Rimmer had become a hologram,once
again,
the Cat was out of his lilac prison uniform, and back to his old vain self
(some things,
never change, do they?!), and Kryten was, well Kryten! But worse even
that,
to
add insult to injury, Rimmer, had pretended to be, Kochanski, for the best
part
of four years, just to help keep him, sane, once again! And after the
incident,
with the urine
recyc, Rimmer had been reduced, to repairing Kryten, and Lister had gone
into a
deep depression, which Rimmer, had helped him snap out of, which as a
consequence, had caused, Lister, to snap, and knock Rimmer out cold, which
had
done some extensive damage, to his light bee! And a fully sobered up,
Lister,
along with Kryten, had had, tosend, Rimmer's light bee, along, to the
recently re-located Dwarf 's (which had since, reverted, back, to it's,
original, familiar, battered appearance, fully complete,with the trapped
Moon, in it's hull!) Hologram Simulation Suite, for repairs. And, Lister
had
also had to re-repair, Kryten, yet again, and they had also made contact,
with
a very disgruntled and disgusted, female Holly, who had had, no contact,
with
them, whatsoever, for over four hundred years, due to a fierce electrical
storm,
on Starbug! And, that was something else, that Kryten, had kindly, covered
up,
while they had been, in the medi-game! And, as far, as she was concerned,
time hadn't changed for her, since then! And unfortunately however,
Rimmer,
was going to be, alright...! But at that point in time, Lister, was not
aware, that their lives, were going, to change forever... And he merely
smiled,
at Rimmer, and he winked at him, and he said - "Anything you say,
smeghead!
But you can definitely promise me, one thing, right now". Rimmer smiled -
"Of
course, anything you want, Listy, ask away!". Lister smiled and said -
"Well
you can promise me, that if we have to evacuate, the Dwarf, for whatever
emergency, that you will leave, your smegging, Javanese
camphor-wood-chest,
behind!". "I promise, that I won't let you down, again, where that is
concerned,
Dave" Rimmer answered him, with genuine sincerity. "Or I cannot be held
accountable, for my actions, if you insist, on, taking it with you, again!
And, it will be me, who will do, what Alexander the Great, did to his
Chief
Eunuch, with the new electronic hacksaw!". Suddenly Rimmer
laughed, which was very rare, for him, and Lister, was always pleased,
to see that, on the rare
occasions, that happened. "I certainly made a point of that, at
the time, didn't I, Lister?" "You certainly did that, man! You certainly
scared the life, out of me, for the best part, of two days. I had to find
a
very good hiding place, on the Dwarf, until you finally calmed down!".
Rimmer
nodded and stated - "And, speaking of that, I apologise for the way, that
I
reacted yesterday, when you came back. But, had I been aware, of the
circumstances..." Rimmer's voice tailed off. "Oh, forget it, man. All of
our
differences, have been sorted out. Why don't you come and have a glass of
brandy? I think, that we could do with one, after all that!". Rimmer
smiled,
and said - "Yeah, why not? I think, that, it would do us, the world of
good,
Listy!", and with that, Lister, put his arm, around Rimmer, in a friendly
manner.
And with that, they left the Sleeping quarters, and made their way, in the
direction,
of Starbug's mid-section.
Naturally, Rimmer didn't just have one
drink of brandy, because, as it turned out, the Cat noticed them,
respectfully, drinking from their brandy glasses, and reminiscing,about
all
the good times, that they had had over the years, which was very few and
far between, obviously, at the scanner table! And, not wanting, to feel,
left
out, he demanded, why they were having, what seemed, like a private party,
and why wasn't he invited, Boy?! And with that, Lister realised,
somewhat reluctantly, that, he had got no choice, but to invite, the Cat,
to
join them, otherwise, he would have never, have heard, the last of it!
And,
it
wasn't very long, before the brandy bottle, was consumed, and as, there,
wasn't any more brandy left, Kryten, was very soon, under orders, to sort
out, some beers, and sandwiches, for the happy trio, and it looked like,
they
were definitely, going, to make an evening, of it! And now, that Rimmer,
had
become, more adjusted to his new hard light drive, it was quite fairly
obvious,
more or less, that it was, his very first time, where re-consuming
alchohol,
in his new body, was concerned, and now, that he had started, he had no
intention, of stopping! And Lister, was determined, to see him, live it
up,
for a change! He knew, that he would probably regret it, in the morning,
and
that Rimmer, would probably give him hell, for it! But it wasn't tomorrow,
yet,
and Lister, was more than determined, to make the very most, of Rimmer,
having a good time, while he had, still got the chance, and he would
worry,
about
the consequences, of their actions, when they had all sobered up, some
time
tomorrow...! And, even if Rimmer broke his promise, where keeping, his
newly
restored, Javanese camphor-wood chest, on the Dwarf, was concerned, and if
there was another emergency, and they had to evacuate it, for Starbug,
Lister
knew, full-well, that he would have done it, all over again, for him! But
little did
Lister, know, that Rimmer, was more than determined, to keep his promise,
to
Lister, for once and for all! And, he had vowed, to himself, that he
would,
definitely, make
sure, that, his newly restored, Javanese camphor-wood chest, would never,
ever, leave, the Dwarf again! And, that he would, definitely, arrange it,
via
Kryten's assistance, that his Javanese camphor-wood chest, was safely
stored
away, for the rest of eternity, if he absolutely had to! He would
personally, see
to that! But Lister, wasn't aware of that, then! And I will reveal, that
it
will be
through Lister, and somebody elses, influence, that Rimmer's, Javanese
camphor-wood chest, would be, removed off the Dwarf, several times over,
in the future, and through, quite a number of time loops, into the
bargain!
But,
that is all, that I am prepared, to reveal, where that is concerned, for
the
time
being, anyhow!
Later on that evening, on Starbug.Well very much later on,
that drunken evening, on Starbug, Rimmer and Lister, were at that point in
time, in a very melancholy state... The Cat, was fast asleep, with his
head
in
his arms, on the table, surrounded by beer cans. Rimmer stated to Lister,
in
a
very slurred voice... "Listy, I have got a confession to make..." "Don't
tell
me, that you've had a *** change, man?!" Lister laughed."Nothing like that
all,
Listy, I can assure you! I think, that you should know, I deliberately
spun
things
out, a
little bit, for you and Kryten, where boarding Starbug, was concerned,
yesterday". Lister nodded to this, and said - "I know man. You've got more
of
a heart, than you care to admit, haven't you?". Rimmer nodded to this, but
he
didn't answer Lister's question, and besides, he was too drunk, by then,
to
give
him a sufficient enough, answer, anyway! He had always found it, very
hard,
where getting his
true feelings, to come out, was concerned, especially, as he felt, that it
wasn't worth, Lister and Kryten, risking their lives, for the sake of
the resurrection, of his Javanese camphor-wood chest, anyway.
After all of that, it was a bit of a blur, where the rest of the evening,
was concerned,
even though Lister, had vaguely remembered, putting his arms, around
Rimmer
and the Cat, and they had all gone in the direction, of the Sleeping
quarters, which he shared, with the Cat. But for the life of him, he just
couldn't recall, the reason, why, he had invited them, to the
Sleeping quarters! Well, I shudder, to think, of the reason, why, anyhow!
The
following morning, when Kryten came across them, the Boyz from theDwarf,
were all over the shop, in the Sleeping quarters, once again! Lister had
got
the usual, traffic cone, in his bunk, Rimmer was asleep on the floor,
and the Cat, was wearing his Policewoman's helmet, and he was also holding
up,
the suspenders, once again! It wasn't very long, however, before Rimmer
and
Lister, were bickering and sniping at one another, once again...!
......................................................................................................................
Red Dwarf: Four Hundred Years Later... ..."Mr Lister sir? Kryten suddenly
cut, into his thoughts. "We're at the lift now,and we need, to get Mr
Rimmer's, Javanese camphor-wood chest, to your quarters". A very
disorientated, Mr Lister, suddenly shook himself, out of his reverie.Such
happy
times, he thought, were very few, and far between, but it was at times,
like
that, it bought, a tear to his eye, especially, as at that point in time,
Rimmer, was not around... And Lister found, that it was the good times,
with
Rimmer, which were very rare indeed, that got him, through, all the bad
times!
And it was having Rimmer around, that kept him, from going totally nuts,
and
much more im****tant than that, it kept him going! But unfortunately
however, the very last time, that Lister and Rimmer, had been together,
they
had
quarrelled, very bitterly, indeed, and he was now, tem****arily, out of
action,
thanks to his very immature attitude, and heaven knows, when he would be
back,
in action (Please refer, to Rimmer's history, as above!)! But for the time
being, he knew, that he had got no choice, but to assist Kryten, with
Rimmer's, Javanese camphor-wood chest, into the lift, to their quarters,
and then, they would take it, from there. And with that, Kryten and
Lister,
entered the lift, with Rimmer's, Javanese camphor-woodchest, and the lift
doors, finally closed shut, like the gates of hell...! And we have got no
choice,
but to take it from there, for the time being...!
And due to that flashback scene, thanks to
Lister's, generosity, where restoring, Rimmer's, Javanese camphor-wood
chest,
was concerned, and replacing his books, via the Star****p Titanic, we have
since discovered, that Rimmer and Lister, now understand, one another, a
little bit more...
And back to the present, at long last! Will Lister and Kryten, ever move,
Rimmer's, Javanese camphor-wood chest, and Lister's trunk, back to their
quarters, on Red Dwarf, from Starbug?! And just exactly, what is the
matter,
with Kryten? And will Lister, ever get a good nights sleep, and not come
to
blows, with the Cat, before they set off, for Earth, once again?!
Find out all this and more, in the next exciting instalment of: The
Alternative Red Dwarf!
My new version of the Alternative Red Dwarf, actually set on the Dwarf, is
now available, for viewing, or downloading, at:
http://www.zen114216.zen.co.uk/mainaltreddwarf.htm
If you would like to go directly on to my Xanadu Red Dwarf Website, the
web reference is:
http://www.zen114216.zen.co.uk/xanadureddwarf.htm
Now available on my Xanadu Red Dwarf Website.
A review of Red Dwarf VIII filmed live at Shepperton
Studios of the 4th of December 1998!
Some new Red Dwarf links on the Xanadu Red Dwarf Links
Website, which includes links to:
Red Dwarf: The Official Website.
The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club Website (UK, Eire and Europe).
The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club Website (U.S.A, Australia
and New Zealand).
The Craig Charles Online (Official) Website.
The Unofficial Craig Charles Website.
The Unofficial Captain Butler Website.
The Danny John-Jules Fan Club: (Address details only).
Kryten's Homepage.
The Unofficial Chloe Annett and The Unofficial Clare Grogan Websites.
The Unofficial Emile Charles Website.
The Inquisitor Red Dwarf Group and The Inquisitor Red Dwarf
Website.
The Josie Pargery Group - Red Dwarf-Fan Fiction.
And on the Xanadu Red Dwarf website, itself, are:
Future Red Dwarf Projects.
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Favourite Episode Guide
has recently, been updated!
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Fact File Website.
A review of the film: Xanadu, and the lyrics for the
theme song: Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John!
A review of the Red Dwarf VII Extended episodes:
Tikka To Ride/Ouroboros/Duct Soup/Possible
unedited material for Red Dwarf VII, plus a review
of Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg/The Tenth Anniversary
Smeg Ups/Universe Challenge and The Children In
Need sketch.
The Explanation For The Time Drive in Trans****ting
The Red Dwarf Posse Back To Earth in Tikka To Ride:
(Episode I, Red Dwarf VII), as well as, The Heady
Medieval Atmosphere of 15th Century Space!
A review of the Red Dwarf VIII episodes: Back
In The Red I to III!
Coming up soon, on Xanadu: A review of Red Dwarf VII
by Kevin Blake and Marie Birch and an Additional review
of Red Dwarf VII by Marie Birch!
http://www.zen114216.zen.co.uk/craigcharles.htm
Recently added to the Unofficial Craig Charles Website:
A link has been set up for Suzanne Rhatigan's (Kochanski
Camille) Website.
A Craig Charles Career Profile.
For those of you, who are interested, in my Unofficial
Captain Butler Website, the web reference is:
http://www.zen114216.zen.co.uk/captainbutler.htm
Recently added to the Unofficial Captain Butler
Website:
A link has been set up, for the Captain Pugwash
Website/The Captain Butler Maritime and Non-
-Maritime Incidents Website, informs you, all
about, The Mary Celeste Mystery and just exactly,
how old, Admiral Horatio Nelson, was, when he
lost his arm!
The Captain Butler Good and Evil Pirates Website,
informs you, about, all, that you need to know, about,
Blackbeard, and the renowned legitimate Pirate:
Sir Francis Drake!
And my Captain Butler Fan Fiction: On The Good****p
Lady Captain has been updated!
For those of you, who are interested, in finding out more,
about the late actor Barry Evans, who starred, in the
Doctor series, and Mind Your Language, and not to mention,
the films: Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush, Die
Screaming Marianne, The Adventures of a Taxi Driver,
and Under The Doctor. And Barry also appeared, alongside,
Dick Emery, in the 1981 BBC Comedy series: Emery:
A Legacy of Murder. Then please go to:
http://www.zen114216.zen.co.uk/barryevans.htm
For those of you who are interested in the Doctor series,
the web reference is:
http://www.zen114216.zen.co.uk/doctorseries.htm
I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of the Doctor series: Why Do You Want To
Be A Doctor?
For those of you who are interested in Mind Your Language,
the web reference is:
http://www.zen114216.zen.co.uk/mindyourlanguage.htm
I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of Mind Your Language: The First Lesson.
With regard to these reviews, they are incomplete, due to time
constraints, but they are available, for viewing or downloading,
via the appropriate websites, above, and they will always be,
permanently available, for this purpose. And when, they are
complete, it will be my intention, to notify, the various newsgroups,
to whom, they have been posted to, but sincere apologies, for any
delays, caused, anyway, and my thanks, go to all, on alt.comedy.british
who are interested, in my Barry Evans/Doctor series and Mind Your
Language Website's, in the meantime. And, it is nice to know, that there
is more, than enough interest, to make it more, than worth my while, to
keep, those websites going, thank you!
However, I am intending, to do brief plot summaries, of all of the Doctor
series episodes and Mind Your Language episodes, when, I next work,
on my Barry Evans/Doctor series and Mind Your Language websites, as
the reviews, that I am doing, of each episode, are very in-depth, indeed,
and they may, take up, a lot of webspace, in the meantime. And it is
probably, for the best, if I set up, episode Summary websites, in the
meantime, which will be, considerably shorter anyway, and for all fans, of
the Doctor series,
and Mind Your Language series, then at the very least, I have always, got
something, that, will give them, something, to keep them going, for quite,
a long time!
I will also, put up, a short independent notice, for this purpose, as
soon, as
it is possible, for me, to do so, anyway, especially, as I do get, a lot
of enquiries, via email, in general, via the Doctor series and Mind Your
Language series, from all over, the world!
More recently, on Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British
Comedy website, you may be interested, to know, that, there are also links
set up, for The Men From The Ministry Website and a Maid Marian And
Her Merry Men Website (but there isn't very much, on the Maid Marian
website, apart, from the series episode list, and we have got to set up, a
counter status, and a plot summary episode list website, and a picture of
Maid Marian and Her Merry Men, but at least there is now a website, for
the series, at long last!)
But for those of you who are interested in Lynne Guy's General Information
and Classic British Comedy website, then please go to:
http://www.zen114216.zen.co.uk/lynnes.htm
On my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British Comedy website,
you will find links set up for:
Our Astronomy website.
The College Of Adult Education in Wolverhampton website.
The I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again website.
The Cats Protection League Headquarters website.
Wildlife Park Kirkcudbright website.
Kevin Blake's: Puzlebox Hobbies and Puzzlebox Business websites.
The Official Website Of The British Monarchy.
Recently added, to my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British
Comedy website, you can find a web page, which informs you all about me:
Marie Birch!
Recently added, to my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British
Comedy website.
A message of sympathy for the families of the victims and the
firefighters,
who
lost their lives, via the attacks, on The World Trade Centre and The
Pentagon,
in the United States of America.
That's All For Now, Folks!
Marie Birch.
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